In Response: We Deserve Better. Please.

Well, hello.

It’s been a long time and all that. I keep thinking of staying more frequently and deeply connected with my nine subscribers. Recently my conscience and later my friend asked me to update the blog, lest it die a slow death. But sloth be eternally mightier than the leeetle angel on my left shoulder. So angel was ignored for a very, very long time.

But today, angel won. However, after staring at a blank screen for some time, I realised there was nothing to be said. I suppose I could write about the hugely controversial Benetton Unhate Campaign, but everyone from L. Bhat to The Times of India has already written about it, so I didn’t see why you’d come here to know more.

But then there was light. Or as numerous advertising cliches and cartoon shows have taught us, a light bulb moment. And I’m thinking, if you can’t say something yourself, say something in response to what someone else has said. The classic, ‘Those who can’t do, teach’ kinda scenario.

So after various ‘Learning on the Job’ posts, I’m now starting a new set – ‘In Response’. And the first lucky person to be chosen for the series is (drum roll please) someone who’s name I don’t know, but writes this very funny blog called ‘The Local Tea Party‘. Go. Read it. You know you want to.

Now some days back this Local Tea Party guy wrote something about something that’s very close to my heart – advertising. Or to be more specific, bad advertising. This post is in response to that.

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Dear Local Tea Party Fellow,

Few days back, I’m reading your letter in your blog post. I’m reading this when I’m eating lunch in front of my computer and thinking, “Aiyo! This Local Tea Party Fellow (LTPF) is writing about me and my brothers from other mother only!” So much red faceness happened, my colleagues are thinking, “What this girl is watching in internet in lunchtime, man?!”

Then lunchtime is over mins, I’m putting one cheap pen to white paper to write some nonsense ads and all. But then, this little voice is going on nagging like one housewife and saying, “But this LTPF is correct only. So much bad ads we’re making, we should give you our peanuts (salary it sims) just for watching it.”

But then, other little voice is saying, “Papa! Not all our fault also, no. What this LTPF know?” So I’m thinking, I should also write you one letter in blog post and say you why we’re putting so much kaka in your break time. I know all of you is saying, “Aye! This copywriter girl is making all sorts of excuses, ra!” But not like that. I’m only going to tell you how this madhouse called advertising agency is working and what the method to this madness is.

See, now you’re saying, be like Doordarshan fellow. Say something and go. But this client no, he’s   thinking, “If I’m giving ‘Ek ke saath ek mufth’, toh I also should get 1+1 deal.” So in every brief ‘Sole Objective of Communication Column’ is being filled two-two times. (1) To increase brand awareness/loyalty/sales, etc. (2) To get PR value. And as if bad is not already worst, sometimes he’ll say make viral video. Meaning, for free you and your friends act in one garage and put in YouTube, automatically it’ll become viral. How much to say, only if cat is playing piano or baby is farting ABCD people want to watch, client is not understanding only. So all this we must do.

Now you only say, if I’m selling some deodorant mins how to do everything? But client wants mins client wants. So some controversy fellows will put. In India, controversy mins sex, followed by religion, followed by politics, followed by really important things. In other countries also same only, only order goes off here and there. So every time boy is putting perfumes in underarm, womens are removing clothes – either boy’s or their owns. In my full humble opinion, angels falling is not worst ad in TV. Want to hate mins, hate this eediot kid fellows talking about mosquito repellent instead of studying life cycle of pupa. But your opinion is yours only, so you hate what you wish.

Anyway, if you’re saying be like Doordarshan mins client is saying, “So much crore rupees I’m spending to be like Doordarshan ah?” So like those desperate housewives, we’ll do anything to make client happy. Otherwise client will say tata bye-bye and go to more younger, more sexier agency. Sometimes client says, “You fellows are all waste! I’ll only write the script!” mins, we’re saying, “Yes, master” and giving him the pen. And you’re only saying pen is mightier than sword, so with that only client is cutting our nose in public. Full shame-shame happens.

But client alone is not always being wrong. These creative fellows are thinking if they make simple ad mins it is not going look lovely in portfolio. Yes, simple ad will not irritate fellows, will get job done and all that, but what about when creative person quits, also for more younger, more sexier agency? Then new CD will ask no, in interview time, “Why you’re showing such ads and all man? Where is all the jhatang?” Full mind games. So these creative fellows will think of some complexticated execution and all. And if ad not come out nice, they’ll say execution bad and blame producer, director, mother, evil forces of nature and their neighbour. But never they are thinking idea only is phuss.

But creative fellow alone also not always being wrong. Sometimes their bosses are wanting big ads. Then from CD they’ll become ECD, from ECD they’ll become NCD… like those B-schools with initials in name, they want more-more initials in designation. So sometimes they’ll make Akshay Kumar fly like ye eagle, sometimes they’ll make cars go zoom in some Poland and say in Bombay roads also same performance it’ll give. All lies. In reality, they’re just wanting to go to exotic location on holiday in name of work. If execution is simple mins in Goregaon Film City they’ll have to shoot no, so why.

But all hope and brains is not lost, man. Every cloud is having one silver lining it sims, so you should also look for that some-some times. Like if bad ad is not there, how we’ll make good ad making fun of bad ad like these Bajaj fellows? How you’ll write letter in blog post and how I will respond?

I can write one full thesis on our jobs and the foolishness, but you are already knowing everything. Plus, every day art director is saying, “No one reads long copy, men!” and already I’ve written extra-long copy. If you’re reading mins you’ll be cursing in your breath, I know. So I will not say more now.

Only one last thing I will say. On behalf of all the other fellows doing this evil job, I am apologise for the mediocrity that is doing to your brain what dentist uncle’s injection is doing to the mouth. If you send me one picture, I’ll put one pin and stick it in my board, to remind myself that LTPF, like Big Brother and other billion fellows with TV in the house, is watching you. That way, maybe I write little less bad ad, and wash blood of good idea off my hands.

Until then.

Much love*,

Some Copywriter

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